altgrindcore_steve

i've set up a soulmates profile. the profile isn't quite right yet - i've name dropped laverne (by which i of course mean laverne ten years ago. that might not be obvious to an x-fm listening londoner) and diana/artemis (goddess of moon and magic - that's my scene. goddess of the hunt and a perpetual virgin - that's not exactly what i meant [though i do like the woods]). during the development of the profile i really questioned whether i did actually want a girlfriend. i'm still usually completely cynical about the whole thing. but my cynicism is often tested and found wanting.

i was listening to a simian mobile disco mixtape and some of it made me feel very uncomfortable - not annoyed, but unpleasant. it was deep electronic music, and i realised it was making me feel somewhat like having sex. strange that music can do that to a person while they're sat at home in front of the computer, and i've never really noticed it. but my response was clearly not the correct one - the music was created to be enjoyed - and this underlies my cynicism.

and then someone said to me today: "she quite likes you, you know." 'eek', i thought. and 'ooh'. and also 'fuck'. this probably came about because of my relaxed state of mind when talking to women, including obviously attractive ones, which originates from this romantic apathy (or worse than apathy, perhaps even 'disparagement') of mine. in fact i was also partly surprised, i thought i'd bored the bejaysus out of her going on about my 'moses was a warlord' theory (i think i was probably fairly drunk at that point of the saturday party).

but what does that even mean these days, 'she quite likes you'? depends on context and intonation, i suppose. it could be any one of the seven kinds of love. it could be the sweet, lip-knibbling, trickle of a bourgeoning, ultimately fulfilling, relationship - if she's willing to bear with me for the sixth months it would take to sort my head out. if i were to have a lover, she'd have to double as a guide, and i'm sorry to be pessimistic but who could be bothered with that? certainly no-one i've met so far, and it's not something i feel like advertising on the internet.
apart from here, of course.